SITE MAP
ELECTRICAL JOKES AND HUMOR
Very funny site
Ok, so there are more that I don't have. Give them to me and I'll put them in (maybe).
Q:
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q:
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q:
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1:
None of your damn business!
A2:
50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q:
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q:
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q:
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
None. Thats a hardware problem.
Q:
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q:
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q:
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q:
How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:
None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A2:
None of your damn business!
Q:
How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q:
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q:
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
Q:
How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q:
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Silly, WASPs don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q:
How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q:
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
Q:
How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q:
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Three, but they're really only one.
Q:
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q:
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Thats not funny!!!
Q:
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q:
How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q:
How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!
Q:
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q:
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Both of them.
Q:
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Please note: one to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
Q:
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Billions and billions.
Q:
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
Q:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q:
How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q:
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q:
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
Q:
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A:
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q:
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
Q:
How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q:
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q:
How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q:
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q:
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q:
How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q:
How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q:
How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q:
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A:
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q:
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
None. It turned itself in.
Q:
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one.
Q:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
How many can you afford?
Q:
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q:
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q:
How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q:
how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Q:
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q:
How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A:
Q:
How many EEs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. They think it is a software problem.
Q:
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q:
How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
Q:
How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
Q:
How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q:
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
A:
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Q:
How many rednecks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to fight about it outside.
Q:
How many residents of Three Mile Island does it ...?
A:
None. They glow in the dark.
Q:
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q:
How many New Jerseyites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Leave us alone -- we take enough s**t as it is.
Q:
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
Q:
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q:
(Guess the question.)
A:
One to hold the lightbulb, and 30,000 to spin the Vatican.
Q:
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q:
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q:
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:
50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q:
How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A:
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q:
How many two-year olds does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one. But it takes two parents to make sure that he/she DOESN'T change that bulb!
Q:
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Five: two to write the specification, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late!
Q:
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A:
1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!
Q:
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q:
How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
About 1/3rd less than for a regular bulb.
Q:
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
51. One to screw in the bulb and fifty to sing about it.
Q:
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. They won't do it, it's electric.
Q:
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Five. One to change the bulb and four to argue about how Bill Monroe would have done it.
Q:
How many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. There are no lights to change.
Q:
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
8. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirted security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q:
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
Q:
How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q:
How many Mennonites does it take to put in a light bulb?
A1:
Six. One to put it in and five to prepare the food.
A2:
Seven to form a Special Ad Hoc Committee for the Replacement of Light Bulbs, which will appoint one of its members to replace it.
A3:
Sixteen. One to put the light bulb in, five to prepare the food, and ten to raise the barn.
Q:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Q:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
Q:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Whereas the party of the first part, also know as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Q:
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one! And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!
Dachshund:
I can't even reach the stupid lamp.
Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler:
Go ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu:
Puh-leeze dah-ling, let the servants.......
Labrador:
Oh me, me, pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I, huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero taco bulb.
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, it's right there....
Greyhound:
It isn't moving; who cares?
Cairn Terrier:
I'll attack it!
Australian Shepherd:
Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Q:
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
No
Scientists and the Electric Chair
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.
“No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?”
“No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.
“Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”
Q. Why do fluorescent lights hum?
A. Because they can't remember the words.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz.
Please save all of your old burned out light bulbs for me.... I'm going to build a dark room.
A bumper sticker on the back of an electricians truck:
"Let a good electrician check your shorts"
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a light bulb is burnt out, they have to shake it to be sure? ?
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says. "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"
If your traveling at the speed of light and you turn your lights on, what will happen? (Steven Wright)
Electricians are always up to date.
they are : Current specialists.
An Ohm is a Hindu voltage measurement. Ohmmmmm
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers..those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday,
I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Transformers
Examiner : 'What is a step-up transformer?'
Student : 'A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.'
Examiner (smiling): 'And then what is a step-down transformer?'
Student (hesitantly):'Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?'
Examiner (pouncing): 'Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?' (student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): 'Well?'
Student (triumphantly): 'A stepless transformer, sir!'
INTERVIEW
Subject: electrical engg
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams.
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
Impossible final exams
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
Engineering & Science Conversion Chart
1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
How can you tell if your child is going to be an engineer?
Watch for these tell-tale warning signs:
You buy your child an educational software program, and she asks which authoring tool it was written in.
Your child has torn apart his teddy bear and is studying the chemical composition of the filling.
She can program you VCR, while you haven't been able to get it to stop blinking "12:00."
He has removed the voice box from his Talking Elmo doll and reprogrammed it to recite the periodic table.
She has replaced the arms and legs of her Barbie Doll with bionic limbs.
He is picked last on every sports team.
You take her to see Disney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame," and all she's interested in is the computer animation.
He has Bill Gates posters in his room.
She believes that if she's really good, Santa will give her a client/server network for Christmas.
He throws a temper tantrum every time you refuse to take him into Fry's.
She has accepted a scholarship to MIT. And she's five.
He gets in fights in school because he owns a PC and the other kids use a Mac.
She can't get a date.
He has defeated the "child-guard" software on your Web browser and has connected to www.playboy.com.
Forget Dr. Seuss and Beatrix Potter. She wants you to read her Carl Sagan.
When he is asked to play the Star of Bethlehem in the Christmas pageant, he asks, "Am I a white dwarf or red giant?"
Redneck Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 Lb. possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) 66 Ford Fairlane B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) 64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"
So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"
"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"
Q: What's the difference between the lighting tech and the sound tech?
A: The lighting tech washes his hands BEFORE he goes to the bathroom.
Q: What do you call an electrician with a hammer?
A: Thief!
Q: What do you call a carpenter working in a panel?
A: Dead!
Q: Why don't you run over an electrician on a bicycle?
A: Might be your bike.
Q: What do you get when you make an electrician a carpenter?
A: A bad carpenter.
Q: What do you get when you make a carpenter an electrician?
A: A dead carpenter.
Q: How tall is the average union electrician?
A: Don't know. Never seen one stand up.
Q: How do you know when a union electrician is dead?
A: The doughnut rolls out of his hand.
More funny stuff
Did You Know.............
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
----------------------------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
----- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespear e's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- < /I>
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?